On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
