just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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