Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
