Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
