i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
