Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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