This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize