Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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