just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
