I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
