The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
