Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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