I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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