she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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