I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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