Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
