Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
