chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
