Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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