I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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