What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
