All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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