you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
