dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
