I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I want you more than these girls want KFC
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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