she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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