You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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