Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
