When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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