You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
