What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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