Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
