I think my fart just growled at me.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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