im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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