What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
