Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
