turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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