I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
