if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
