the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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