Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
