I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
