She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
