Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
