My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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