When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
