Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
