Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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