I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're like the curious george of whores
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
