I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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