remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
