dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
