Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
