My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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