It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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